


I roll and I roll 'til I'm out of luck

by obliviateme



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, POV Kylo Ren, Pre-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Star Wars: The Last Jedi References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:09:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27169799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obliviateme/pseuds/obliviateme
Summary: Following the last look he shares with Rey after the Battle of Crait, Kylo goes back to his quarters and pulls out his journal.This was just a stream of consciousness sort of thing I wrote very quickly. I guess in a sense it's to make me feel better in a way about how things ended. Maybe if we could understand Ben's thoughts more, we'd get to see his side of things and maybe even feel more at peace. But Jar Jar Abrams didn't have time for that.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	I roll and I roll 'til I'm out of luck

She gives me one last look as the door to the ship snaps shut. It's the only thing that breaks our gaze. After that, I finally feel the cold.

I close my fist so hard over the dice that my hand goes numb. To her, I haven't moved past being a creature in a mask. Even though I took it off for her, she can't really know what's underneath. We can connect a thousand times a day, and she still wouldn't understand the complete chaos in my head. But that isn't a mask that I can take off. It's not removable and there's no on or off switch. In asking her to take my hand, I probably looked like a sad little figure of what she thinks I could be. What she thinks is underneath. But that person isn't there anymore, and not even a beautiful Jedi can dig him up.

I wouldn't, couldn't, be so vulnerable ever again. 

But these are all just empty words. I could write her a book, a million words, on how I feel, and she'd reach out, take it from my hand, and toss it off a cliff. Like the one she camped out on when we touched hands by the fire... I don't know what would have happened next. There was no next step. Fate stepped in like it always does and said "Kylo Ren is getting too close to what he wants, it's time to stop." But I know now that what I want doesn't matter. I'm here to fulfill a greater purpose, just like she is, and we'll never be aligned. She deserves someone who will keep her warm at night, who will treat her like the family we never had. I can accept that that isn't me. I can. I will. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure we don't connect again. I was weak to let her in... not that I had much of a choice. When Rey wants something, she gets it. And she should.

And I'll keep being a monster to her, and she'll end up calling me Ren, and we will go our separate ways. The Force can't force people together. Maybe in a different universe, I would meet her at school and we could get together like a normal couple. Maybe if she was there however many years ago, none of this would've happened. Maybe I would've been the traitor, or the pilot. Maybe she could've saved me. 

But it's too late now, and she has better things to do than look after a dying man. Because that's what will happen to me; if I ever connect with her again it will be to save her. To help her. To finally do something other than get in the way. All I've ever done is get in the way, get in the way, but never getting my way. 

I clutch the dice tighter. 

Getting his way: something my father learned too often. He grew comfortable with it, and look where it got him.

She doesn't want me unless I change. We all know that's a laugh. I can try to help all I want, but everyone knows the best thing to do is to take myself out of the equation.


End file.
